Chapter 4
Teenage Years, Sex and Alcohol
Tee Baker had a deranged concept of my personal skills in life right from birth. For reasons that will always remain a complete mystery to me, my mother had the idea my talents in life centered in the “Arts”. From birth, I constantly found myself involved in such degrading challenges as “Dancing” and “Music”. These were the most embarrassing moments any human being has ever endured. From very early in life, I saw myself much more of a “John Wayne” type or maybe even “Indiana Jones” but never “Fred Astaire”!
I clearly remember from the early 60’s when I was seven or eight, being dragged to dance studios in downtown Birmingham where I would learn to “Ballet” and “Tap Dance” twirling lil girls to the most hideous music imaginable. If this humbling experience were not bad enough, I was made to wear the most gaudy costumes imaginable and do this dance routine on a stage in front of people. These moments were called such classy names as recitals but I thought of them as “the end of life as I know it” as the embarrassment would surely kill me.
I do not remember exactly how I managed to get myself out of the dance phase but what came next was just as bad. As soon as the gaudy costume disappeared I found myself sitting at a piano in 1964 when I was nine. The sadistic instructors from the dance studio must have told the sadist piano teachers how much I hated “recitals” because sure enough, once a year I would endure the same embarrassment of getting on a stage and performing like a seal in front of total strangers. I could never figure out which was worse, dancing or piano but both were parts of my life that I knew I would never allow anyone to know about.
Just like with the ridiculous dancing, I really have no idea what event ended the piano years unless mother just finally realized I simply was not ever going to take an interest in it myself. Tee Baker was a smart lady and hopefully she realized I would forever have to be dragged to these “Arts” kicking and screaming. After piano we were not quite through with humbling me for life as I next found myself in the school band. I have no idea how it happened, I do not remember asking for it but one day when I was eleven or twelve, about 1966 or 67, I was playing a trumpet. Perhaps I was maturing some but I did try to make the best of this experience and became good enough that I was occasionally asked to solo in our church on Sundays. It could be my interests were sparked with a new radio sound that came out at that time by a band called “Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass”. I really did like Herb Alpert, a trumpet player, and my band played many of his songs on the football field.
During the late sixties and 1970 some of the most wonderful things started happening to my body. Of course I understood none of it and knew nothing about reproduction. I did see farm animals doing some real strange things but it never registered in my mind that those acts were similar to the acts that I myself might experience one day. It was a very confusing time for me and I had no one to talk to about it.
All of a sudden girls took on a whole new meaning in my life and they were in fact looking better than they ever had before. It was quite a revelation because previously I had thought females were fairly useless. Female clothing during this time was also going through some rebellious changes and the end result was a sight to behold. A sight that I personally tried to behold as often as possible. Also, I knew that I was becoming a man and of course that meant I should be doing manly type things.
I had begun to make some really great friends in school and it seemed that together we could always stir up a great deal of trouble for ourselves. This all began about 1970 when I was fifteen years old. My buddies were from a neighboring small rural town. By now you will be aware of the fact that small rural towns is all there was in central Alabama.
It didn’t take long for each of us to begin to learn that we could get out at night by telling each others parents that we were spending the night with one of the other boys parents. It seemed like the greatest, most original idea on earth and I knew that it was fool proof. Very soon after that we started to really get into some mischief. It didn’t take long at all for one of the boys to bring up the very cool and adult actions of smoking and drinking. We all agreed that we were definitely old enough to enjoy those types of male bonding activities.
During this time the girls that had taken on a new meaning for me were beginning to show up at more of the places I was beginning to hang out at as well. I will never forget that first experience with a girl. If heaven can be anything like that feeling, no wonder everyone is so anxious to get there. I clearly remember that first kiss and the feel of her breast as though it just happened. Her name was Susie and we were in a town away from my hometown. For some reason we found ourselves on a hay ride together as well as arm in arm with each other. I reached over to kiss her and I know the tractor driver could hear the beat of my heart because it was pounding out of my chest. Susie did not run screaming for her parents or yelling “rape” or anything like that, which of course is what I expected. She simply sat there as if asking me to continue with my advances. Susie even seemed to welcome me like she was having the same tingly feelings that I was. As I bent my head over and reached her lips I know electricity ran through my body because I definitely felt something. I have been in pursuit of that feeling ever since that moment and always coming up short. Once I realized Susie seemed to like kissing as much as I did, we continued that activity for a long time and even discovered that we liked putting our tongues together. Our bodies seemed to heat up because we were snuggled into a corner and under a blanket. I just couldn’t help it that my hands seemed to be everywhere and I certainly did not know what to do with them. However, Susie never seemed to mind what or where I bumped into her. At first I made sure it seemed like an accident but pretty soon I became bold enough for my hand to glide up her side and over her lovely budding young breast. Of course this was through her sweater but still it was magical to me. God created a new life in my boxer shorts at that moment. We continued our activities for some time and soon I just couldn’t resist trying to get my hand beneath her sweater. Susie did not seem to mind so I continued my journey into adulthood. I found her bra and began to push it away letting my hand cover the area that the cloth had. OH MY GOD! She was wonderful. That soft, yielding mound of flesh was the most wonderful thing I had ever touched in all of my life. I could not believe the sensations running through my body and I knew that it would be perfectly okay to die right at that very minute. The swell and fullness of her young breasts were clearly mystical to me. I knew the firm, smooth creaminess I caressed must be a divine miracle. I could not imagine life ever having more to offer than what I had just discovered. My hands explored every inch of those wonderful mounds over and over and I was really drawn to the hard little buds in the center of them. Those buds seemed to mirror the new life that God had placed in my shorts that evening. I could almost feel her heartbeat in those swollen little buds of joy and for some reason my lips seemed to water for them. I didn’t dare try anything else and I became quite content with my explorations.
We continued kissing and my groping Susie’s breast for what seemed like hours that night and I knew it was becoming late. I had really become a man that night and I had the most demanding ache about 6 inches below my belt. Somehow I knew that Susie had more marvelous mysteries to explore in the same general area so my hand found the waistband of her pants. Susie did not resist when I unbuckled her jeans and my hand slid down her ever so creamy and soft tummy. Soon I touched the downy fur above and between her legs and my heart almost stopped. I know I quit breathing and the world seemed to be spinning out of control. I could not believe my discovery. She was so soft and delicate as opposed to my firmer and rougher body. She also smelled so damn good that I could taste her. The molten steal between my legs was about to kill me with hardness; I ached and throbbed like never before. I knew this would be the greatest night of my life and I was quite content to fondle my findings for the remainder of the evening. We laid like that until the hayride came to a halt.
I couldn’t wait to tell my friends what I had discovered. As soon as we left the hayride, two of my buddies as well as myself went off to discuss the night’s activities. I just knew that I was going to be able to dazzle them with my findings but soon I realized that all of us were pretty much feeling and telling the same experience. We were all so proud of ourselves that we decided we had to celebrate some how. That’s when Craig came up with the idea that we could all spend the night the next evening in the barn and we would get a case of beer to celebrate and continue discussing our achievements of this evening. Beer, well I suppose after what I had done that night I was ready for any other activities of my blossoming adulthood. I sort of felt funny about it because I had heard so much of the evils of alcohol from my mother and church but the other two guys all seemed to think it was a grand idea.
The next day in study hall we talked to a friend of ours named Charles that was a year older, had a car and knew all about beer. He said there was a place called Billie’s about ten minutes up the road across the county line that would sell beer to minors. Charles went there often and told us that a six pack of Shlitz was $1.90. Mark, Craig and myself went through our pockets and quickly came up with enough for one case of beer.
After school the three of us got into Charles car, rode to Billie’s and bought our very first case of beer. It was four six packs and icy cold. We transported the beer to the small rural town where the barn was, where we planned to spend the night that same evening. We carefully hid the beer under some hay and then we each went to our own homes to have supper with our families and tell our parents we were spending the night at the other kid’s parent’s house. It worked as usual and by 9:00PM the three of us were in the barn with the beer.
We were giddy with excitement. Here we were, three best buddies with some beer and great stories of our discoveries about girls the night before. Someone had bought a pack of cigarettes and I never flinched when they were passed my way. It was truly a night to remember. Mark passed around a can of beer to each of us and everyone popped their lids. I just mimicked what I saw and repeated what the other guys did. I will never forget that first taste of alcohol. I have no idea what I was expecting but it was nothing like what I experienced. The beer tasted wonderful and as I swallowed a warm glow ran all across my body. Suddenly I felt ten feet tall and bullet proof and after drinking that first beer, I knew I had found what had been missing my entire life. You see, after drinking that first beer I felt as big and important as what my mind saw in my buddies. I felt I was as good as them all of a sudden and that I would be accepted and could do anything. An emptiness that had always been in me was suddenly filled. We began to discuss the girls from the previous night and it seemed that a beer was always ready to be had when mine was empty. I began to get the feeling that I could do anything without consequence. Of course the stories about the previous night sort of changed somewhat from the night before. This version of events had my buddies taking sweaters off and pants down and of course my story modified accordingly. I somehow knew it was important to be doing and saying everything my buddies did. The important thing to know, that I finally now understand about alcoholism, is that I felt accepted, loved, cared for/about. It didn’t matter that this was a false perception or even an inebriated impression that I had. The important point is that to me, it “felt” real and was in fact real to me. Today, sober, I know this feeling of acceptance was “created” by alcohol and is truly the foundation or essence of alcoholism. No matter, it was a state of existence I would pursue for the next thirty one years.
As the evening wore on some very strange sensations began to hit me. When I tried to get up and walk, I couldn’t and would fall down. Everything seemed to be spinning and I found it harder and harder to get my mouth to form the words my brain kept sending to my lips. For some reason I distinctly remember that I had drank nine beers that very first night. I did not know it at the time but that was an incredible amount of beer for a fifteen-year-old that had never consumed a single drop to drink all in one sitting. Had I been nearly as smart as I thought I was that evening, I would have known that this was a huge indicator of where my life would lead if I was fortunate enough to live that long. I had never associated myself with the stories I heard of bums on the streets. On this night, I could never see that happening to me but I had in fact taken my first step toward that end. I don’t remember anything after drinking that last beer until the next morning, when I came to.
